The Reception Revelation
by Jlove32
Summary: Raj hosts a "wedding reception" in 4A for Leonard and Penny after their return from Vegas. After overhearing Amy confess what is really behind her split with Sheldon he gives her some important information, even if he didn't exactly intend to do so. Definitely a Shamy story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer** : I do not own The Big Bang Theory or any of its characters. As you know, Bill Prady, Chuck Lorre and all the rest do, even if I'm not sure they should at this moment in time. The following story is only meant as an homage to characters I adore who should just get the freak back together already. :-)

 **Author's Note** : This story (my first ever fiction of any kind, anywhere) takes place after the first episode of season 9, and is just one of the ways I'm dreaming about Sheldon and Amy finding their way back to each other. I've attempted to keep all the characters IC. It will be at least 2 chapters, we'll see how far it develops. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Amy Farrah Fowler paused on the 3rd floor landing of 2311 Los Robles, not sure she could round the corner and finish her assent to the 4th floor. _Pull it together,_ she thought to herself _, this is for your bestie... You can't let him keep you from living your life. You can do this._ Taking a deep breath she lifted her chin, unhunched her shoulders ever so slightly, gripped her wrapped gift tighter and turned to complete the climb to 4A.

Though Leonard and Penny were quite content with their decision to elope (well, once that kissing-another-woman issue had finally been worked through), they soon realized just how many people were a little disappointed not to have been able to be present for the big day. Raj in particular kept insisting they should have a "wedding reception" once back home. He argued it would give their extended circle of friends the chance to wish them well, drink to their future and of course, shower them with gifts that might help them equip their now-shared apartment in a manner more befitting a mature, married couple. Well, a mature, married couple with a plethora of superhero toys and comic books… _Oh well_ , Penny had thought, _baby steps_. As long as she didn't need to get rid of any of her shoes to make space for his collectibles, they'd figure it out.

When Raj finally offered to plan the entire thing (dude, would he **ever** get to plan a big wedding for **any** of his friends?!) so that all they had to do was show up, get hugged and collect their loot they finally relented.

So it was that 3 ½ weeks after their Vegas wedding all of Leonard and Penny's friends and many co-workers from Caltech, the Cheesecake Factory and the biotech firm were at 4A to congratulate the newlyweds. Even Captain Sweatpants was there (apparently Stuart had loose lips at the comic book store), but since he came bearing an appropriately wrapped gift and wearing what appeared to be a clean t-shirt Raj welcomed him as the gracious host he was.

Amy knew she couldn't stay away, but when Penny had first told her of their plans she also felt like she couldn't attend. "I just don't know that I can spend that much time in a room with him, Penny."

"I know sweetie, I understand your feelings, but I just can't imagine you not being there. I'm **really** sorry that you didn't get to be my maid of honor Ames, please at least come celebrate with us. It won't be the same without you. It sounds like there will be lots of people there you could mingle with to avoid him. Honestly, I've barely seen Dr. Whackadoodle since we got home, he seems to spend most of his time in his room; I'm not even sure if he'll come out for the party. And Leonard and I will keep an eye out and make sure he stays away from you. I'm sure Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Emily would all be happy to help, too."

"No, that's ok." Amy was adamant, "I don't want to put them in the middle of Sheldon and I. I think the group dynamics will be hard enough as it is going forward. I don't want everyone to feel like they have to choose sides. I'll come. We'll have to get used to running into each other sometime."

When Amy had first arrived to find 4A already half-filled with guests, Sheldon had been sitting in his spot on the couch, staring into space. She tried hard to not look at him.

 _Oh man, he's wearing that blue dress shirt that brings out his eyes. Heaven help me…_

But she could feel Sheldon's eyes on her as she set her gift down and hugged her best friend and her new husband. As they quickly embraced Leonard whispered "I'm glad you came, Amy" into her hair and her eyes immediately filled with tears.

 _Darn it,_ she thought, not for the first time, _why do all his friends have to be **so** nice? No, _ she chided herself, _they are **my** friends, too._

Sheldon had already taken her hopes and dreams, she wouldn't let him have their mutual friends. Penny and Bernadette, well really even Leonard, Howard and Raj had been almost as important in her transformation from lonely wallflower to outgoing party girl as Sheldon himself had. Having a group of people in the world who liked her just as she was was more than she dared hope for most of her life. She loved them all and knew now that she needed them, no matter what happened with Sheldon. The truth was everyone in their group had been wonderful to her since she had broken up with him. They seemed to know she was afraid she would lose them, too, and went out of their way to make sure she knew they cared. Howard, Leonard and Raj had all brought their lunch trays to her lab to eat with her several times over the last few weeks, and Penny and Bernadette texted her almost daily to chat about little things. With the post-wedding whirlwind and Penny and Leonard's work to integrate their stuff into tiny 4B the ladies hadn't managed a Girls' Night since the wedding, but had finally planned one for the next weekend.

None of the gang had pumped her for information about her and Sheldon, and for that she was grateful. She wasn't sure she could talk about him without crying and frankly, she cried so much when she was alone she felt all desiccated as it was. Still, she couldn't miss the fact that they all treated her with kid gloves and were clearly worried about her. Amy couldn't blame them. She knew her emotional turmoil was having physical results. Her lack of hunger as of late led to her cardigans being slightly baggy and left her skirts hanging limply rather than hugging her beckoning pelvis as before. Even her hair had lost it's duck-caught-in-an-oil-spill shine, as if it, too, were in mourning.

As Penny had promised, the hours of the party had passed and Amy had hardly seen Sheldon all night, as he had disappeared down the hall shortly after she had arrived, and returned only briefly when Howard had called him out to listen to some toasts he and Raj had prepared. Sheldon stood patiently listening, then disappeared once again.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Sheldon had spent the evening lying on his bed in his vampire-in-a-coffin pose, staring at the ceiling. He could hear the chatter of the party in the living room, but his ears strained for snippets of Amy's voice among the rest. He couldn't make out anything she said, but just hearing the tone of her voice was enough. How he missed her voice. Seeing her walk through his door tonight had almost made him come undone. She was wearing a dress he had never seen. That meant she had gone shopping and he hadn't known. What else was she doing that he had no knowledge of? He could tell she looked slimmer since only a few weeks ago. Had she also been unable to eat as he had? Unable to sleep? Is that why she bought a new dress? The thought made him hopeful. Or...or had she been intentionally losing weight and buying new clothes to attract someone else? That was ridiculous, of course, she was perfect as she was. He knew Penny was always trying to get her to change, though. Maybe she had told her she should try to –

 _Wait, oh no, or was she doing it because she already had someone else?_ He suddenly felt very ill. Just then her voice drifted down the hall, laughing a bit, mixed with Raj's voice, also laughing. His stomach flipped and he really did have to suppress the urge to vomit for a moment. _How could she be laughing? How could anyone be laughing in the world at this moment?_ His mouth felt dry, and his eyes ached from him having broken down in tears again that afternoon before the party. Thinking of Leonard and Penny, getting to celebrate their happy ending, getting to live their **married** life across the hall…he had lost it. Again. _When did I become such a hippie? No, more important, when did I become someone who could be jealous of **LEONARD**? The horror…_ He tried to shake the thoughts from his head and slipped out of his room to splash some water on his face and grab a drink. Maybe he'd get to steal a glimpse of Amy again…

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Bernadette and Amy had ended up at the kitchen island, both grabbing another cup of punch at the same time. Bernie, who hadn't seen Amy much in person since the breakup had noticed her friend's changed appearance, and grew concerned. She knew they'd get a chance to chat at Girls' Night, but couldn't resist asking one question while they were alone. "Amy, I'm just curious and you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but can I ask you what finally happened to make you end it with Sheldon?"

At that precise moment Sheldon emerged from the hallway with the intent of grabbing a bottle of water before again retreating to his room, and overheard Bernadette's inquiry, coming to an abrupt halt. The party wasn't overly loud, but he knew no one else was close enough to hear over the general buzz as the tiny blonde asked his beloved the most important question in the world. The question she had never answered even for him. The only question he could imagine mattering at all at this point in time. Thanking a deity he didn't believe in for his Vulcan hearing he leaned against the wall and tried to look casual so no one who happened to glance at the hallway would notice him eavesdropping. He also tried to will himself to keep breathing as he listened, but that was a harder chore.

Bernadette continued "I mean I know you didn't feel that he showed you enough affection but way you were gushing last Girls' Night it sounded like you were pretty far from breaking up with him and the next thing I hear it's over. Penny told me he talked about some superhero while you were kissing on your anniversary, is that really what did it?" Seeing Amy's face fall Bernie immediately felt like she had overstepped some line and tried to backtrack "I'm not saying it's not ok if that was it, I'm just curious, as your friend. It seems like this is really rough on you. I'm sorry...I shouldn't have asked."

Amy's shoulders slumped as she sighed, but she met Bernie's eyes and the smaller woman was relieved to see Amy didn't look angry with her. But then again, the pain and resignation she saw in her eyes was far worse. "No, Bernadette, it's ok. You're right, I had been fairly happy with our relationship. But there was always this doubt in the back of my mind, this knowledge that I just couldn't admit so I kept pushing it away. When Sheldon brought up The Flash literally in the middle of us kissing, once I knew what was in his mind, well, it just hit me...I couldn't deny it anymore. The simple fact is that no matter how much I love him, no matter how much he **thinks** he loves me, no matter how long I wait, or how patient I am, it will **never** happen. I will **always** be waiting, worrying about scaring him away, worrying about him being overwhelmed and leaving."

Bernadette nodded her head understandingly. "You mean that you two will never have sex?"

Amy sighed and replied "No, that's not it. I mean, yes, I guess that's part of it, it's hard knowing he doesn't desire me physically, but that's not really the point. I wanted it all with him: marriage, a family, happily ever after. I love him so much I just kept believing it could happen. But I was stupid. He could never let me in like that. He's never going to commit to me. That's just not Sheldon and it isn't fair to either of us for me to hang around expecting it to be. What else could I do?"

Bernadette said nothing - what could she possibly say? She knew what Sheldon meant to Amy, but she couldn't refute anything she had just heard. Instead she reached out and gave her friend a hug, patting her back and silently letting her know she was there for her. The two women stood like that for a moment, eyes closed in the friendly embrace, until they heard a throat clear just behind them and opened their eyes to see Sheldon standing in the kitchen. When he spoke it was in a low voice neither of them recognized as belonging to him.

"Bernadette, could you please give us a moment?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Big Bang Theory or any of the characters I'm writing about. I sure wish I did, but they are the genius brainchild of Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, to whom I give mad props, even when I'm questioning their decisions. :-)

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading!

* * *

 _Bernadette said nothing - what could she possibly say? She knew what Sheldon meant to Amy, but she couldn't refute anything she had just heard. Instead she reached out and gave her friend a hug, patting her back and silently letting her know she was there for her. The two women stood like that for a moment, eyes closed in the friendly embrace, until they heard a throat clear just behind them and opened their eyes to see Sheldon standing in the kitchen. When he spoke it was in a low voice neither of them recognized as belonging to him._

 _"Bernadette, could you please give us a moment?"_

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Bernie looked at Amy raising her eyebrows slightly in question. When Amy gave a small nod she reached out, gave her friend's arm a gentle squeeze and slipped off to join the other revelers in the living room.

"Amy - " Sheldon started before she cut him off.

"Hello Sheldon," she said with as little emotion as she could manage, "how have you been?" _Keep it cool Fowler, act polite but not emotional. This is hard enough without crying in front of him._

Sheldon didn't answer her question, so Amy stared at him. She noticed his eyes were wide and shinier that she remembered... _were those tears_? _No_ , she reasoned, _not tears. Not Sheldon._ The silence, coupled with his intense gaze, was making her uncomfortable. "Sheldon - " she started again before he cut her off this time.

"Is that really what you think, Amy?" His voice was barely more than a whisper, his tone a strained mix of sadness, surprise and something else she couldn't place.

"What?" Amy asked, thoroughly confused, not having realized he had overheard their whole conversation. _Oh my, I can smell his baby powder from here..._

"Is that what you think? That I don't want to be with you **,** that I won't commit to you? Is **that** what this is all about?" He took a step closer to her. _Cherry shampoo, God I've missed that smell..._

"Sheldon, this really isn't the place or the time to discuss this..."

"Three weeks Amy, I've waited three weeks to talk to you. Three weeks. You won't return my calls. 21 days. No texts. 504 hours. No idea why we're apart, no idea what was going through your head. 30,240 minutes without seeing your face, hearing your voice, holding your hand, kissing you..." His voice trailed off into nearly a whisper, and his eyes slid over her from head to toe and back again, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Amy. _Did he really just give me a once over? What is going_ _ **on**_ _tonight?_

"Amy, this may not be the ideal time or place, but I'm not letting you leave and ignore me again when you are **so** wrong."

 _Oh no, he did **not** just say that, did he?! It is **on,** mister!_

" **I'm** wrong Sheldon? **I'm** wrong?" Amy's voice was a strained, shouted whisper as she tried not to let her and Sheldon fighting ruin their friends' reception the way it had ruined the gang's attempt to watch their wedding stream. "You know what, this is just another perfect example...you still can't admit you did **anything** wrong on our anniversary can you?!"

"No Amy, I assure you I'm now **quite** aware I made an error that night." Sheldon's voice also was low enough to blend in to the general party background noise, but the earnestness in it made it seem to Amy to be the loudest - no possibly the only - sound in the room. _Damn, he always could turn me on with just his voice._ Unbidden, a flash of memory from their D &D game raced through her mind. _Hoo...Oh, he's still talking._

"In fact 1,814,400 seconds without you has enabled me to see I've made quite a number of errors in our relationship. But what I'm talking about now is the fact that you're wrong in thinking that I'm not committed to you, and you're **very** wrong in thinking that I don't desire you." As he said this last part his voice dropped nearly a full octave and Amy felt herself shiver unexpectedly. _What **was** that voice?_ She narrowed her eyes and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time that evening. Frankly, he looked exhausted. His eyes wore dark circles and the superior glint in them that alternately attracted and infuriated her was conspicuously absent. Also, there was that something else in his eyes she didn't recognize, and it unsettled her. She needed to get away before she fell into the trap of trying to figure out what it was. She could spend her whole life lost in those azure pools searching for what she had earlier decided just wasn't there. With great difficulty she pulled her gaze away and shook her head to clear it. _What was he saying? Oh yes, something about desiring me...whoa...no. No way. Right?_

"That's not true Sheldon, and it's ok...it...will be ok. We want different things. It happens. Neither of us needs to be at fault here. You don't have to pretend anymore."

Sheldon's eyes caught hers once again, opening wide in disbelief. She literally saw a small spark re-ignite deep within them. " **Pretend**? What **exactly** do you think I was pretending?" Another step toward her. "Do you think I was pretending to **love** you? Pretending to love **every minute** I spend in your presence? Pretending to love that you **challenge** me like no one else can? Pretending to love **touching** you? Pretending to love **kissing** you?" He was nearly breathless, by the time he finished, eyes wild. _Kissing...how he missed kissing her._ _Oh, she's licking her lips. Yep, she's trying to kill me._

Amy's head was spinning a bit at the way the word **love** kept flying off his thin, beckoning lips. _Love touching her? Really? Love kissing...Aha, she knew he'd made a mistake with the kissing comment, that she could **certainly** refute! He couldn't even be bothered to pay attention to her while kissing her. She had him!_ "Yes, Sheldon. That is in essence what I am saying. I don't think you meant to pretend and mislead me, but in retrospect I imagine you never really enjoyed kissing me, but rather did it because you knew I wanted it, and you were afraid of losing me. I had become part of your schedule, your routine and you had become accustomed to me. I realize me leaving is an inconvenience, like...like being forced to eat pizza on Thai night, or not having the right hot mustard. But you've gotten better at handling change, Sheldon, you'll be ok."

Sheldon's eyebrows shot up in alarm at her comparisons. He straightened up and staggered back a step.

 _When had he gotten so close to her? When had has lanky body begun to hover over her smaller frame? How had neither of them noticed? Why did she instantly miss it so much?_

Sheldon was shaken to his core. His mouth formed no reply, but his mind as usual, was anything but idle. _Was she serious? Did she really think his inability to eat, sleep, think or work without her presence could be compared to mustard? How badly had he failed to let her know what she meant to him? How had it come to this? Good grief. He really **was** a bad boyfriend. He thought he had understood, but this... **This.**_

Amy needed him to say something, needed him to acknowledge that she was right. She needed him to break her heart once and for all so she knew there was no hope of going back. He owed her that. _Go ahead, ask him what you really want to know. You need him to say it._

"But please," Amy continued, "can you answer me one question honestly? I know it's something you never wanted in the first place, but was kissing me really so unpleasant that you had to think about something else to... to what, not be repulsed? To keep from running away again?"

Her ridiculous question finally shocked him out of the reverie left from her ridiculous assertion. "Good Lord, woman, no! How could you even think that?" Sheldon was astounded by the implication, aghast that she could think kissing her could ever be anything other than, well... _heavenly_.

But Amy was not to be convinced. "Sheldon, cut the crap. Please, just tell me the truth. I know your mind wasn't on the same things mine was that night. Please just indulge my curiosity, as a last favor to me. Why were you thinking about The Flash?"

Sheldon's mind was going a mile a minute. _Why was he thinking about The Flash?_ It sounded like such a simple question, but how could he begin to describe the maelstrom that had raged in his mind that evening as he contemplated all he was planning to do, all he was hoping they would do together, and the realization that he didn't know how to do **any** of it. The real question was how he had managed to be breathing or speaking at all in that moment. But she had asked him why The Flash. _Why The Flash? Why The Flash?_

He opened his mouth to say...well, he wasn't even sure what he was going to say...But before he could engage his amazing mind the words rushed out of him like a river set free from the gates of a dam:

"Because thinking about trains doesn't work anymore since I kissed you on one! Thinking about Star Wars doesn't work anymore since you made me that Death Star cake and thinking about Star Trek hasn't worked ever since you showed up in that Nurse Chapel uniform with your scanner and your short little skirt! Good grief, even thinking about football doesn't work since that Thanksgiving at the Wolowitzes' when I smacked your alluring posterior. I wasn't nearly drunk enough for my eidetic memory to forget **that**." _Wow_ , thought Sheldon, _well, that's not exactly what I was planning to say. Great Cooper, now she'll think you're like an animal, desperate to grab her and paw at her. Wellllllll... Stop it, just stop it!_

Amy furrowed her brow **while** her eyes popped wide open in understanding. If Sheldon had been in a different mood, he might have noted the effect was comical. "Wait, Sheldon, did you - ah, um, are you - are you saying you were trying to distract yourself thinking about other things because you were...um, aroused...by our activities that night?" _What? Just... **what**?_

Eyes downcast, embarrassed, Sheldon nearly whispered "Y-yes." Thankfully she had said it and saved him from the admission. She had utterly defeated him, she had now not only reduced the great Sheldon Cooper to his baser urges, she had also made him admit it. _Oh, how hard the mighty fall, Dr. Cooper,_ he thought. Strangely, though, that thought didn't bother him as much as it would have only a short time ago. Even the realization that it didn't bother him didn't bother him. _Fascinating._

Amy pressed on, trying to fit the square peg of this new information into the round hole she had created in her mind that represented Sheldon's feelings towards her. "So you were, uh, responding to our...activities...and you were trying to, um - " she faltered, letting out a breath through pursed lips, not used to this level of discussion. He realized her attempt to formulate a sentence was really a question. _I guess in for a penny, in for a pound. You wanna do this, little lady? Ok, let's do this._

"Yes, I was trying to take a moment and get control of myself before I made a mistake and just drug you down the hall to my bedroom." There, now she would understand. This honest hippie-dippie stuff was **hard** , but part of him was admittedly relieved...surely this would bring her joy to hear. After all, this is what she had wanted from him for years. He chanced a look up at her eyes, expecting to find her happy at this revelation, a tiny smile playing at the edges of his mouth in anticipation. _Maybe admitting your feelings **could** be a good thing when - Uh oh_

Sheldon was alarmed to see not My Boyfriend Wants Me I'm So Happy Amy, but instead Yelly Face Amy whose mouth was set in a thin line, and whose eyes had narrowed to daggers. _Oh no, how had his stupid mouth managed to screw up so badly yet again? What was going **on** tonight?_ he wondered.

Amy's voice was like ice. "Wait just a minute. Let's be very clear here: So you admit you were sexually aroused while we were making out." Sheldon winced at her explicit choice of words, but he nodded slightly, biting his lower lip. "So you chose to ignore your own desires, push me away with your insensitive words and deny us something we **both** wanted. God forbid you should drag me down the hall to your room after all, after 5 years! That would really be a huge **mistake** wouldn't it?" Her exaggerated enunciation of the word MISTAKE was like a slap on his face.

"Sheldon, is the idea of having coitus with me really **that** disgusting to you?!"

"Amy, no, of course not! I told you that I - "

"Then why, Sheldon? Why would it be a **mistake**?! I want a short, concise, straight answer and I want it **now**."

"You know that at times I - "

" **Why** , Sheldon?"

"What I'm trying to say is that I've always thought - "

"Dammit Sheldon, **why**?!"

Two things happened simultaneously at that moment. The first was that Sheldon finally had enough of Amy cutting him off and raised his voice to be heard over her protests. The second was that Leonard, glancing around with a heart full of joy, decided to thank everyone for coming to make his and Penny's celebration so special, so he clinked a fork on his glass for everyone to quiet down, which they immediately did. Everyone, that is, except Sheldon, who loudly proclaimed, just as the room fell silent:

"Because I wanted to ask you to marry me before we made love!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory or these characters. All hail Bill Prady and Chuck Lorre. "Hail." This story is only for my own amusement and that of others wishing for a return of our happy Shamy. Writing is cheaper than therapy, after all.

 **A/N:** Thank you so much for the kind reviews. As this is my first story every I was a bit unprepared for how much your words would please me. I appreciate you taking time to let me know you're enjoying the story...other authors are right, it really DOES make me want to write more! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _Two things happened simultaneously at that moment. The first was that Sheldon finally had enough of Amy cutting him off and raised his voice to be heard over her protests. The second was that Leonard, glancing around with a heart full of joy, decided to thank everyone for coming to make his and Penny's celebration so special, so he clinked a fork on his glass for everyone to quiet down, which they immediately did. Everyone, that is, except Sheldon, who loudly proclaimed, just as the room fell silent:_

"Because _I wanted to ask you to marry me before we made love!"_

 _-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-_

Everyone knows that the fastest way to clear out a crowded roomful of people is to yell **"Fire!"** or pull an alarm. But Sheldon soon learned that an only-slightly-less-effective method is to shout loudly about marriage and sex in a room full of acquaintances and strangers. For a full 30 seconds after his outburst the only sounds in the room where the crash of Howard's wine glass as it fell to the floor and the fleshy slap of Penny's hand as it shot up to cover her gaping mouth.

But just after that period of time all the partygoers turned nearly as one and headed for the door, accompanied by Leonard and Penny who said their good-byes and thank-yous on the 4th floor landing. Within a few short minutes the door to 4A had clicked closed and the only people remaining near the useless elevator with Leonard and Penny were Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Emily. The six friends looked at each other with shocked faces that slowly morphed into amused smirks. Then they turned wordlessly and entered 4B together. The wooden doors of 2311 Los Robles were slightly more robust than the paper-thin walls, but none of them was willing to take a chance at missing any other shouts or noises emanating from 4A that night.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Meanwhile, inside 4A time seemed to have nearly come to a standstill. The Einstein Equivalence Principle states that **_c_** , the speed of light, is invariant, but the laws of physics are independent of velocity. Einstein further posited that gravitational acceleration and inertial acceleration are one and the same. Thus general relativity tells us that time slows when you move quickly, or fall into a gravity well.

Sheldon thought he now understood the concept of falling into a gravity well better than ever. He knew logically that he had not moved. Had, in fact, stayed frozen in place. His frozen feet flew along at nearly 1000 miles per hour with the rotation of the earth, and hurtled through space at 66,000 miles per hour as the earth followed its orbit around the sun, which itself spirals around the middle of the Milky Way galaxy at 483,000 miles per hour. But all that motion was nothing in comparison to the feeling of falling, tumbling, sliding down, down, down, further and further from Amy. His mental hands grabbing, scrabbling to find purchase on the flat, slick walls past which he slid. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't how he was meant to tell her. It was supposed to be romantic. He was supposed to grab her, kiss her, hold her and tell her that he wanted to be with her, **completely**. He was supposed to get down on one knee and tell her how he loved her, tell her how she had changed him, tell her how he didn't hate it - no, tell her how he loved it. He was supposed to tell her he wanted to be with her forever. _Forever. Forever without Amy who would never forgive him now._ _Amy. Amy, who had waited for him. Amy who had believed in him. Amy, who had been honest with him when no one else would. Amy, who...hadn't left when everyone else did? Amy, who remained inexorably immobile in front of him? Amy, whose emerald eyes had not stopped staring into his..._

 _-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-_

For her part, Amy felt as though her life had sped up so quickly she thought she might have physical whiplash. In the 3 1/2 years since Sheldon had asked her to be his girlfriend she had always wished, hoped, dreamed and yes, even prayed that he would show some sign of wanting to spend his life with her. Only in her wildest dreams had she allowed herself to imagine they would have a wedding, a house, a family. True, she had had a 5 year plan that included marriage, but honestly the idea that Sheldon Cooper would ever want to engage in the optional social convention of matrimony had seemed far-fetched. And suddenly, here he was. Shouting that he wanted to ask her to marry him. _Did that mean he was actually about to propose the night of their anniversary? No...really? And then she had...oh God. Why was it so hard to breathe all of a sudden? Where had all the air gone?_

And sex. Oh boy, he had mentioned sex too. _Seriously, where was the damn oxygen?_ She had always known Sheldon was appalled by the very concept of coitus. Until the day he wasn't. In her most optimistic moments she had let herself be proud, giddy even, that it was **she** and she alone who had made him reconsider his stance. She knew he had told Leonard and Penny he was working on his issues with touch, and he himself had told her long ago that he had not ruled out physical intimacy in their relationship. More than all that, though, she had experienced his transformation. He held her hand willingly now, even seeking it out himself at times. He hugged her without holding himself back. He kissed her - _Oh his kisses, how she missed his kisses_ \- and touched her, pulling her body to his as his lips found hers. - _Mmmm, his hands, so warm and strong_ \- Most recently his hands had begun to move from their usual spot on her waist to rest on other parts of her body. A month ago she had suspected they would soon be actively roaming over her willing form.

Then came their anniversary. Then came The Flash. Then came her temper, her deepest fears bubbling to the surface. Were his actions dumb? Undoubtedly. But she had realized that she had just **possibly** overreacted to his comment. She needed time to sort out her feelings. Time to determine how much of her response was truly because of his actions and how much was due to her own inner turmoil. But Sheldon hadn't been willing to give her what she needed. - _How could he? You never told him what was going on. -_ Her head was already so **loud** inside and his voice was one more she just couldn't take added in the mix. Then he had insulted her in front of their friends - _Was it really an insult?_ \- and it had all well and truly gone to hell. If only she -

 _Wait - what do you mean was it really an insult? He called me old! - Whoa, now I'm arguing with myself in my head...that's new._

 _Hmmm, is that what he really said?_

 _Yes. I may not have his sexy eidetic memory, but I remember he said that men can have offspring their whole lives but my eggs have a sell-by date._

 _That's true, but what did he say before that?_

Amy concentrated hard, recalling the whole conversation. No, she didn't have an eidetic memory, but one doesn't obtain a doctorate in neurobiology before most people earn their bachelor's without impressive powers of recall.

Sheldon: Amy, I don't understand. Are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.

Me: That's because you're not giving me any space to think.

Sheldon: Well you should think fast because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're totin' around have a sell-by date!

 _So...?_

 _So...what? - Now I don't even know what my own subconscious is driving at. Yeesh. Maybe I should hook myself up to electrodes and see what's going on in there..._

 _So...he wants to be back together with you._

 _I know._

 _He wanted you to think fast._

 _Yeah. I got that._

 _He wants to get back together with you fast because your eggs are..._

 _Getting old...yeah, I - wait. Oh. My. God. Sheldon Cooper wants me to have his baby?!_

 _Thatta girl! And now..._

 _Sheldon Cooper wants to marry me, engage in coitus with me and have babies?!_

 _No, Sheldon Cooper wants to marry you, **make love to you** and have babies._

 _Holy crap on a cracker!_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own The Big Bang Theory or any of the characters I'm writing about. Bill Prady and Chuck Lorre, geniuses that they are, own everything, including our dear Shamy. May they take care of them._

 _ **A/N:** Thank you again for your lovely reviews. As I said before I'm trying to keep all characters IC in my story, but parts of Sheldon here feel fairly OOC to me. But then again, I think that's the main point of this break up, to lead Sheldon to change enough to allow this relationship a chance to be healthy enough that we can all feel good about Amy committing to it for life. A chance for Sheldon to make a little bit of OOC into his new IC, if you will. Hopefully that makes sense and you're ok with how it comes out in the story. I'd love to hear your thoughts after you read it, so keep the reviews coming!_

* * *

 _So...?_

 _So...what? - Now I don't even know what my own subconscious is driving at. Yeesh. Maybe I should hook myself up to electrodes and see what's going on in there..._

 _So...he wants to be back together with you._

 _I know._

 _He wanted you to think fast._

 _Yeah. I got that._

 _He wants to get back together with you fast because your eggs are..._

 _Getting old...yeah, I - wait. Oh. My. God. Sheldon Cooper wants me to have his baby?!_

 _Thatta girl! And now..._

 _Sheldon Cooper wants to marry me, engage in coitus with me and have babies?!_

 _No, Sheldon Cooper wants to marry you, **make love to you** and have babies._

 _Holy crap on a cracker!_

 _-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-_

"You're still here." Sheldon declared needlessly.

"Yes," Amy confirmed, furrowing her brow. _Of course she was still there…she was literally incapable of movement at the moment. The question was, how was **he** still here? Surely such an obviously unplanned and public declaration of feelings **and** desires could be expected to drive him into his room for at least a week of solitude, right?_

"Why are you still here?" Sheldon pressed on, his voice incredulous.

"Did you want me to leave?" now Amy was thoroughly confused.

"No. God no. I just thought…I was sure you were going to walk out that door again…" and now it was definitely tears Amy saw in his eyes.

"Shhhh," she reached her finger out to his lips to still them. "I'm here and I think it's clear we have a lot to talk about. Tea?" she asked, moving to put on the kettle without waiting for a response.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Ten minutes later the couple was seated on the couch, cups of tea cooling on the coffee table. Instead of her usual seat next to Sheldon, Amy had chosen to sit at the other end, body turned sideways to face him, her left knee folded and tucked up on the cushion. Sheldon mirrored her position so they were face-to-face. Both secretly thought there was far too much space between them, but knew they needed to make room for the words that must be said.

It was nearly another 10 minutes before the silence in the room was broken. Both had sat motionless, minds sorting through a thousand possible ways to start the conversation, analyzing and rejecting each. Eventually each stopped thinking and just marveled at the sight across the couch.

Sheldon was certain that Amy had never looked more beautiful than at that moment. He had been afraid he would never sit with her again like this, never be able to look at her purposefully, meet her eyes, let his gaze drift openly across her lovely features memorizing anew each curve of her skin, each freckle. His heart ached at the thought this moment may have never happened, and chilled at the knowledge that if this conversation didn't go well, it truly might never happen again. _For three weeks straight you've tried to get a hold of her every which way from Sunday and now that she's here you can't even start? You're a coward, Cooper._ Yet he knew his life was on the line here and now. Because Amy **was** his life. He understood that now in a way he hadn't before grasped. It had certainly been true for a very long time. Longer ago than their anniversary, than the "I love yous," than the train kiss, before the handholding, even the cuddling. While he could never have fathomed it so long ago, it in fact went back past even The Zazzles Incident, as he had come to think of it. His mom had been right, he had lost his mind over losing Amy then. The mere thought of that took his breath away. He had known then…so long ago, some part of him had known, even then.

 _Well, where in the samhill was that part the past 4 ½ years while I've been screwing it all up?_ he thought. He wanted desperately to just take her into his arms and make it all go away. Just hold her and make it all go away.

Amy, too, marveled at the presence of the man across from her. She had spent so long avoiding him. She almost hadn't come tonight just for fear of seeing him. She could tell she had been right to keep her distance while trying to figure out what she wanted. Looking into his eyes now, while he looked back into hers, seemed to draw all the air from her lungs, leaving her slightly lightheaded. She swore she could feel a magnetic pull emanating from him, drawing her closer to his side of the couch. She wanted more than anything to be with him. She knew she loved him in a way she could never, ever love anyone else as long as she might live. But she had recently become convinced that the love in their relationship skewed more than a little in his favor. That was what she didn't think she could live with for the rest of her life. But if all that he had said was true, then there was hope. She wanted desperately to just take him into her arms and make it all go away. Just hold him and make it all go away.

And so, at long last, with pounding hearts and sweaty palms both Sheldon and Amy took a deep breath, ready to speak.

"Sheldon – "

"Amy – "

Another pause.

Amy's eyes slid back down to rest on the twisting hands in her lap as she dug for the courage to start again. She felt him move before she saw it. Sheldon scooted to the middle seat of the couch – _he left his spot_ _–_ and put a gentle hand to her chin, lifting her eyes to meet his gaze. "I confess to being unfamiliar with the protocol for a conversation of this nature, but with your permission I would like to begin."

"Um, ok, go ahead." Amy allowed, mind refusing to figure out how to start in any case the moment his hand had touched her skin. "No, wait –" she corrected before he had spoken another word. She didn't know where this conversation would take them, but before she could steel herself for whatever was to come she had to ask. "First, I just – I have to know, Sheldon, those things you said…"

"Amy, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry that it came out like that."

"But was all that true? You really want those things? You want to marry me? You want to…?" Amy swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice from trembling. "You want us to be together?"

"I do." Sheldon replied, meeting her eyes with an unflinching intensity, even he himself not missing the irony in responding with those 2 particular words. "Amy, I have wanted to marry you for some time now."

Her eyes wide, Amy held her breath a moment, before daring to ask "How long?"

Sheldon paused. "Well, I've had the ring ever since my mother came to see me and Leonard receive our award, and I asked her for it 2 months before that. I was just waiting for the right time to ask you. I wanted it to be what you would consider "romantic" (he made air quotes, then shrugged), but you know how bad I am at determining that. Anniversaries seem like a socially preferred time for grand gestures, so I thought it fit." He gave her a tight-lipped smile before swallowing very deliberately and venturing on.

"And of course I want to make love to you. You know I've been working on my issues for a very long time just **because** I've wanted to be close to you. I know you feel it's taken me too long, but honestly, it's been a lot of work."

Amy's eyes darted sideways as he said the last bit. She tried not to be offended that he seemed to be saying touching her was work. Surprisingly, Sheldon noticed.

 _128...No, not this time..._ "Hey," he said, his hand bringing her chin around so their eyes met again. _She had to know. He could not allow one more misunderstanding to drive them apart again._ "This was never about you, Amy. I wasn't referring to being with you being difficult, but to the work I've had to do on myself. You know better than anyone that I never knew I wanted any of this before you. I was content to act as though I didn't have feelings and didn't need anyone. And I really never even entertained the thought of a relationship. You **made** me want this. Just **you**. And it's worth it. Have you not noticed how much I love touching you now? For heaven's sake little lady, I could barely keep my lips off of you on our anniversary." He winked at her.

Amy smiled shyly at him, before returning her eyes to her lap. _5 years wanting him to give you a sexy comment with a wink like that. You finally get it and you clam up and blush like a schoolgirl?_

The two of them again found themselves sitting in silence.

Sheldon spoke, his voice resolute, but laced with sadness. "Ok, well now that we've talked about the things that I, um, said, or rather…shouted," he smiled at her again, "now we need to talk about the things you said…the awful, awful things you said, Amy."

 _Huh?!_ That statement finally shook Amy from wherever her mind had been. She looked at him, alarmed. "I didn't say anything awful about you, Sheldon." She had, in fact, been very careful not to say anything at all about him to their friends since the break-up. Partly because she didn't want to cause any rifts between he and their group. But partly, she knew, because there was a piece of her that had hoped desperately against hope that they could work this out. In that case, she didn't want those same friends spewing unkind things she could have said about him back at her. Of course, they still hadn't yet had a girls' night and wine and female camaraderie had a way of all-too-frequently highlighting the negative (as it had several weeks before their anniversary when in a moment of frustration and extreme horniness she had wondered aloud to the ladies if they both wouldn't be better off apart), but still, her intentions had been noble. So she was indeed surprised to hear that he thought she had been saying "awful things."

"No, Amy, not awful things about me. There are certainly a myriad of awful things you could probably say about me without an argument from me right now, but I was speaking of the things you said about you and about us."

"What things?" Amy queried.

" **Mustard** , Amy. You compared my feelings for you to my preference for a certain spicy mustard. You said losing you was merely an inconvenience, that you were like a meal on the wrong night. You suggested to Bernadette that I only **think** I love you. Amy," his eyes bored into her with that same heated intensity again, "is that really what you think?" He tilted his head to one side, scrutinizing her carefully.

"I – I don't know…I just…no. Not really." Amy stopped and buried her head in her hands, sighing deeply. "I really did think that you didn't love me in the same way I love you, that you didn't want me and didn't really want to spend your life with me, at least not in any conventional sense. I didn't think I could be with you, so I had to allow myself to believe, had to convince myself that I didn't matter at all to you. It was easier to let you go that way. I'm sorry, but it's true." She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

"No Amy, do not apologize. I know you didn't know and that's my fault. The fact that I desire you, and the fact that I would want to spend the rest of my life with you should never have come as such a surprise to you." Sheldon took both her hands in his. "And now? What do you think now?" He asked her seriously.

"I want to believe you, Sheldon. I want more than anything to believe it all. But honestly, I've been struggling for a while. We never talked about it enough because at the time I was afraid to push you too hard and make you leave again, but when you left on your train trip you really hurt me. I think that's when these fears inside me took root. I realized then that I was not a priority in your life. You didn't bother to talk to me about something so major. And you did it again when you applied to go to Mars. Sheldon, I just need to know that I'm important to you. I need you to treat me like you love me, all the time. It has to be more than words."

Sheldon nodded, eyes downcast. He placed her hands back in her lap and scooted back to the end of the couch, needing the space. He didn't feel like he deserved to hold her hands while he admitted to what was next. "I know that now, Amy. I told you that the past 3 weeks have afforded me a lot of time to think about our relationship. After reviewing all the time we have spent together – "

 _Reviewing **all** the time we spent together? Surely he doesn't mean…_

"- I have identified 127 instances over the course of our relationship in which I am fairly certain I displeased you in some way. I have cataloged various permutations of 4 basic expressions you showed in response, many of which I missed at the time, that I believe represent times I have erred. I have labeled these expressions _Exasperated Amy Face_ , _Disappointed Amy Face_ , _Angry Amy Face,_ and my least favorite, _Hurt Amy Face."_

 _Ok, yes, that_ _ **is**_ _what he means. Wow, his eidetic memory is so sexy…_

"I have grouped these 127 instances into categories that detail how I think I displeased you. So far I have _Lack of Physical Affection, Lack of Support for Your Accomplishments, Lack of Concern for Your Feelings, Lack of Respect for Your Wishes, and Lack of Interest in Your Interests._ "

 _Whoa._ Amy stared at him, open-mouthed. "Sheldon, you went over every moment of our relationship for the past 5 years and came up with this yourself?"

"Yes." He nodded. "Now, unless you can come up with another category of errors I've made I'd like to begin apologizing for my past faux pas, if you will."

Amy was touched. This man who had bought her a tiara 3 years ago rather than give her a real apology was willing to go through 127 instances where he thought he had displeased her and apologize for each? It was achingly sweet, but didn't sound like fun for either of them. "I don't need you to apologize for everything in the past, Sheldon. I just need to know what the future looks like."

Sheldon sighed, feeling more relieved that he thought possible. He hadn't enjoyed reliving the early days of their relationship. Or rather, reliving the man he used to be. He was right 3 years ago, he had been a callous egomaniac, and she **had** left him. He knew that he had changed, but there were still changes to be made. "Ok," he agreed wondering how to express all the decisions he had made.

"I won't be that man anymore Amy, the one who says and does whatever he wants and doesn't care enough to pay attention to your response. I will try to think of you first, because that is what you've always done for me. I will try to show you that I love you every day. I may not say it every day, because we're not hippies after all, but I will try to make sure you know. That is my promise. But you know me, better than anyone else ever could. I **am** egotistical. I **am** callous. I **am** self-centered and thoughtless and set in my ways and I enjoy being in control. I will be trying, but I will fail sometimes. So I need you to promise not to accept it when I fail, when I say the wrong thing, when I disappoint you. All those memories, Amy, most of the times when I did something stupid you just…took it. How did you do that? You deserve more than that. I need you to help me be the man you deserve. Can you do that? Please?" Sheldon's voice was steady and composed, his eyes serious and clear.

Amy, on the other hand, was a mess. She tried to meet his eyes, but could barely see his face for all the tears streaming from her eyes. Her shoulders shook in silent sobs, her stomach flipped somersaults inside her and her heart was pounding out of her chest. Was this really happening? The man she loved was saying everything she had ever hoped he would. _This must be a dream. Oh God, I must be dreaming. No, no, no, I was so sure this was real, I don't think I can take awakening…I think I'd rather die in my sleep than leave this moment. Oh please, let this be real._

"Amy?" Sheldon reached out a hand to cup her cheek, using his thumb to wipe away tears that were quickly replaced. "Amy, please say something…am I…am I displeasing you now?" he asked, his brows furrowed in concern.

She made a sound between a laugh and a sob. "Yes." His body shot bolt upright and his eyes opened wide. "I mean, no, you're not disappointing me now, quite the opposite. I meant yes, yes I can do what you asked."

Sheldon relaxed visibly, then swiftly moved to the middle of the couch and pulled her against him in a tight embrace, her head on his chest and his chin resting on her hair. Amy knew then, as she fell into his scent, hearing his racing heart in her ear, encircled in his arms, that this indeed was no dream.

They sat in their embrace for several long moments, just enjoying each other, when Amy finally spoke. "Sheldon, I don't even know what to say. I'm so thankful for everything you said, but I want you to know that I fell in love with you for who you are, and I love you for you. I don't expect you to change everything about who you are for me. I hope you know that."

Sheldon sat back and pulled her out from him, holding her at arms' length, studying her face closely. "Come here," he said softly, settling himself back into his spot and leaning into the corner, pulling her with him. She leaned into his side, drawing her legs onto the couch and resting her head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. "Amy, do you remember long ago when we were only friends but decided to end our relationship over our disagreement about our fields of study?"

"Of course," Amy replied, unsure where he was going with this.

"At that time you agreed to resume our relationship if I stipulated that 80% of our difficulties were caused by me."

"I remember," Amy smiled. "You said you would go as high as 40%." _Everything has always been a negotiation with us, hasn't it?_ She chuckled to herself.

"And yet, when you offered me 65% of the culpability I jumped at it. You may not have realized it, but that is the first time in my life I ever willingly accepted the bulk of the responsibility for any difficulties I ever had with anyone. You've always been the exception to my every rule, even then. What needs to change will change. It doesn't scare me anymore. It has always been worth it when it's for you."

Amy curiously tilted her head up to meet his eyes and she realized…yes, it was true. He had been changing for her even then. No, not so much **for** her, but because of her. Because of **them**. The two of them had both changed so much…hers had been mostly effortless, dreams she had held since childhood being fulfilled, allowing her to open herself up and experience things she had wanted all along, things she had only been convinced she wouldn't have. Girlfriends to hang out with, a social group, a boyfriend, a physical relationship, love. Her changes had been met with joy inside her as she saw her 13 year old self's desires becoming reality. Sheldon's changes, however, had been hard-fought. He appeared not to have ever dreamed of the things he had now, had actively tried to avoid even friendships, let alone love. Yet when it came he opened up to it, however painfully, slowly, awkwardly. Their union, first their friendship, then their love, had turned her into someone she had always dreamed of becoming, while it had turned Sheldon into someone he had always feared becoming. No wonder he had had a more difficult time arriving there than she had, but walked through it with her, he had indeed. Amy suddenly felt very, very loved.

"Sheldon, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences." She gave him a sly smile as she spoke.

Sheldon's eyes widened, his eidetic memory recognizing her perfect quotation of his declaration from so long ago. His voice quavered. "I'll agree to that only if you'll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by me."

She had expected his response, as well as the change he made at the end. She played along, both grinning now. "I'll go as high as 40."

"65."

"Done."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! This story will have at least one more chapter. Amy has gotten to share her feelings and hear what she wanted from Sheldon, but I think for this to truly be a 2-way relationship Sheldon needs to be honest and share the effects this break has had on him, so stay tuned for that. And of course no make-up is complete without at least a kiss, right? ;-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory or any of the characters I'm writing about. All the glory for their existence (and their current relationship status...ahem) goes to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, who are geniuses.

 **A/N** : Thanks so much for reading and for all the kind reviews. Thanks also for your patience. I'm on vacation in Europe right now so have had very little time to write. Now that Sheldon is finally getting his chance to tell how he's been doing I'd love to hear what you think. I've also now written my first slightly steamy scene (can't call it smut, but still, it was new), so that's one barrier down! Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

 _"Sheldon, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences." She gave him a sly smile as she spoke._

 _Sheldon's eyes widened, his eidetic memory recognizing her perfect quotation of his declaration from so long ago. His voice quavered. "I'll agree to that only if you'll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by me."_

 _She had expected his response, as well as the change he made at the end. She played along, both grinning now. "I'll go as high as 40."_

 _"65."_

 _"Done."_

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Amy smiled and stretched out her legs along the couch where she and Sheldon had continued to cuddle for the past hour, sharing smiles and chaste kisses in silence. She shifted around in his arms, beaming brightly.

"So, does this mean we're engaged?" Amy grinned at him.

"Um, no…" Sheldon gave a small shake of the head, giving her a look she couldn't quite name.

Amy smiled up at him hopefully. "I mean I guess you haven't officially asked me yet, but the answer is yes." She winked at him. "When do you want to get married?"

"Amy, I'm not asking you to marry me right now."

"What?" Amy stared at him dumbfounded.

"Well, I think it's clear we have some things to work on first. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure it's the right time for us to get engaged."

"Sheldon, I told you, I believe that you're capable of responding to my wishes and needs. What I needed most was just to know that I was a priority in your life, and I see that now. We will figure out the rest. I'm confident in that." Amy reassured him.

"I'm glad to hear you say that." Sheldon confirmed.

"So, what's the problem?" Amy pressed.

"Well, I think…I guess…I'm not." Sheldon finally stated, looking sideways toward the kitchen, no longer willing to meet her eyes.

"Not what, Sheldon?"

"Not confident right now." His voice was barely more than a whisper.

"What? Why not? Please, talk to me." _What was going on?_

Sheldon sat up slowly, pushing her body gently ahead of him, separating them. "So from what I gather, part of this whole relationship… **thing** (he waved his hand about in the air as he searched for the word), is that we're supposed to share our feelings with each other, right? The gooey, mushy ones about love and…um, desire…and the less-pleasant ones as well?" he asked, casting a sideways glance at her. Amy nodded, her eyes scanning his face as he continued.

"Well, you have now shared your feelings with me."

"Yes." Another smile from Amy, encouraging him. _Her sweet, encouraging smiles are far too powerful, making me feel as though I can do anything. I bet she could even get me to watch Babylon 5 with that smile. Oh no, she must never find out…I can't sit through that! Drat, focus Cooper._

"Well, now I think it is incumbent upon me to share some of my own."

"Please do." Amy looked at him quizzically, wondering what was to come.

"I feel…" Sheldon paused, his eyes flitting about the room. _If she can do this, so can you. Face it, you're no Vulcan after all. You have feelings and apparently if this is going to work, she needs to know them, too._ A long, deep breath out…Sheldon suddenly rose from the couch and started pacing the room.

Amy watching him apprehensively, suddenly nervous. _Was he about to tell her he thought she was being ridiculous? She couldn't take this again. He couldn't just disregard her needs like this…_

"I feel hurt, Amy. I…I feel betrayed." He stopped in front of his desk and faced her.

"What?" This was not at all what Amy expected to hear from him. "How have I betrayed you? I've always been so supportive of you, Sheldon. I've always tried to be understanding."

Sheldon sighed, briefly covering his face with both hands before sliding them down his face and off his chin. This had the effect of making him look even more tired than he had before. "You were right about how insensitive I was leaving the way I did on my train trip. Yes, I left. I skipped town, I said stupid and hurtful things before I left, but I apologized for those almost immediately from the train and you said you forgave me. But Amy, only my body left. I was gone physically, but my…well, my heart for lack of a better word, never left you. After those first few days I emailed you, called you, we Skyped. And I told you why I left. I trusted you to confide in you what I was thinking and feeling. I was still in this relationship, even from thousands of miles away."

"Ok…" said Amy hesitantly.

When you decided on this break, however, you left me body **and** heart. You wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't let me see you, wouldn't let me talk to you. I lost my girlfriend and my friend all in one. I had no one to help me understand. You didn't trust me enough to just tell me what was going on. You were 10 miles away but it might as well have been light years. You left me alone, hurt, and confused. You told me that considering going to Mars and leaving you alone here on Earth without discussing it with you was unacceptable. Ok, I get that. But you thought nothing of considering leaving me all alone without discussing it with me. You talked to other people about your feelings, and about us, but didn't let **me** in. I only heard how you felt tonight because you told Bernadette. Not me. You had reasons to be upset with me, I've told you I understand that. I'm serious about being a different man now, I hate the way I was to you and you will see a change. But you should have talked to me. This relationship has 2 people in it, Amy…or it did until you shut me out."

Sheldon lowered himself into his desk chair, realizing he was shaking by the time he was finished speaking. _Good Lord it was much harder to be hot-blooded and passionate than it was to be cool and logical; no wonder the Vulcans invented Kolinahr. Everyone said that sharing your feelings felt good. Well, that was clearly hokum. This felt awful._

Amy looked at him in shock. Her brain searched for a way to dispute what he was saying, but she found none. "Sheldon, you're right. I told you I was deluding myself, trying to convince myself that I didn't matter to you because I thought we didn't want the same things. I was wrong. I should have talked to you." Amy stood and crossed the room to stand before him where he sat in his desk chair. She put her arms on his shoulders, linking them behind his neck. "Sheldon, I'm very, very sorry. I hope you can forgive me. We want the same things, we belong together. I know that now. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to be with you." She leaned down to place a light kiss on his lips, then another and another. Sheldon's arms snaked around her waist and he rose from his seat as they pulled each other close, deepening the kisses.

Three weeks of missing each other, of uncertainty, of love poured between them. Each knew they had unintentionally hurt the other and they apologized with their bodies, lips joining and parting over and over, tongues caressing and twisting together, sharing breath, heat, longing. Their hands slid across flushed skin, the heat pouring through the fabric of their clothing; Sheldon's hands moving from Amy's waist, splaying across her back, moving up to grasp her shoulders, grip the back of her head, wind through her hair, Amy's clinging to his biceps, running across his chest, worrying at the short hairs at the back of his neck. As Sheldon drew her closer to plunder her lips with more fervor their bodies pressed together fully, and for the first time she felt the proof of the words he had spoken to her _Is that? Oh my god..._ It was. There it was, his need, his passion for her pressing against her stomach. Why have we never kissed like this standing up before? I would have known... _oh merciful heavens_. A hunger like she had never known gripped Amy, running like ice through her chest and downward, blossoming into fire as it hit the pit of her stomach. She could feel the delicious heat of him even through her layers, and pressed herself even closer to him, desperate to feel more. Her movements elicited a groan from Sheldon and her entire body trembled at the sound, the fire in her stomach becoming an inferno. Good lord, he was so CLOSE and he wanted her. _Oh, how he wanted her._ She wanted to laugh, and cry, and dance and shout from the mountaintops. They loved each other, and they wanted each other. They could have it all. Amy felt like she could fly.

Sheldon's senses where overwhelmed with Amy. The feel of her, her scent, her warmth, he was lost and found, emboldened and terrified, it was all bliss and fear and longing and love...and he couldn't get enough. She pulled back slightly to take a breath and he took the opportunity to dive into her neck, kissing, sucking, licking, anything he could do to taste more of her. He needed more. He trailed a line of kisses from her earlobe to the base of her neck, relishing the feel of her racing pulse under his lips. He could feel himself losing control, his grip on himself slipping of out his grasp, but he wasn't sure if he cared. He faintly remembered he had wanted to maintain control. _Why?_ He honestly couldn't remember. _Good grief, it was so good, who cared?_ He found a delightful little hollow where her clavicle met her neck and he traced it with his tongue, swirling it around. This elicited a throaty moan from Amy and she ground her body against his, making him quake. At that delicious sensation a bolt of electricity shot through Sheldon's body and he pulled away abruptly, remembering why he had to regain himself, resting his forehead against hers, breathing hard.

"Oh Sheldon…" she sighed longingly, staring deep into his lust-darkened eyes. _I can't believe this is happening. This is really, really happening. Oh my god._ "Amy," he panted "I – I can't…"

Amy felt as though he had dumped a bucket of ice water over her body. "What? Why? I thought you wanted this. I **know** you want this."

Sheldon nodded, closing his eyes, his forehead still on hers. When he spoke again he remained so close that his breath flowed over her lips.

"You know that my entire life I have actively avoided emotional and certainly physical entanglements with anyone. This is not because I am incapable of making conversation, finding common ground with others, or even building relationships. Rather, it has been a kind of self-preservation, or protection, if you will."

"From what, exactly?" Amy asked, her curiosity definitely piqued, but having no idea why he was bringing this up now. All she knew is that the moment had definitely passed, so she took his hand and gently pulled him backwards, intending to lead him to the couch. Instead it was Sheldon who led her. His hands on her shoulders he gently pushed her down, not in her spot, but in his. He dropped to one knee before her on the carpet, holding her hands and looking deeply into her eyes. She understood that whatever he was about to say to her was of the utmost importance.

"Amy, as you know my eidetic memory affords me the ability to recall any information I wish at any time. But what you may not realize is it not limited to only information or basic facts about experiences I have had. I can also perfectly recall details, thoughts, feelings, smells, sounds. What's more, not only **can** I do so, but in fact I find I have no choice in doing so. For example, simply acknowledging difficulties from my childhood results in reliving them, if you will."

"Wow, Sheldon, I never realized. That must be so difficult for unpleasant memories. But it must be amazing for happy ones, as well. I can't wait to give you many more happy memories to relive." She winked at him, thinking of where their kisses were leading just moments ago.

"Yes, I've long thought my memory is both my superpower and my burden to bear for the greater good of humanity. But only recently have I realized that even the happy memories can be a burden." His brow furrowed as he spoke.

"How so?" _Where was he going with this?_ Instead of replying Sheldon held her gaze for a moment longer, before dropping her hands and popping to his feet. He resumed his earlier pacing, as if unable to keep still.

"When you left on our anniversary, when you…broke up with me," his voice cracked, "I could remember everything. I couldn't stop myself from remembering everything. Every moment, every smile, the joy of our friendship, the sound of your voice, the feeling when you said you love me..." He ran his hands back and forth over his hair, leaving bits standing on end."The touch of your lips, the taste of your breath, the warmth of your body under my hands, the feel of your hands on me." His voice was rough, a combination between sexy and anguished.

Amy gasped, realizing what he was describing, trying to imagine what it would be like to experience everything again, in fast forward.

He turned to meet her eyes, his gaze steady yet desperate, more so than she had ever seen. "All of it Amy, I could feel it all and I didn't think I'd ever get to have any of it again. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel like that. I…I can't do it again, it has been tearing me apart. And if we went further, if we…" Sheldon let out a long sigh through pursed lips, trying to slow his words and get control of his pounding heart, "if we made love and I lost you again…those memories, forever…I'm…I'm not sure I would recover." He looked so frightened, so vulnerable that her heart broke. She had had no idea…no, that wasn't true. She hadn't bothered to think what he might be going through. All that time he had tried to get in contact with her. She thought he was intentionally trying to drive her crazy and pressure her. She never considered that he was dying inside. _Oh god…what had she done? The one thing they had always done was communicate honestly with each other. She knew better than anyone what it had taken for him to get to where they were. What the hell had she been doing?_ And suddenly Amy understood perfectly what he was trying to tell her. Something had shifted in their relationship when she had done what she did. He couldn't be with her until he believed she wouldn't leave again. _She was now the flight risk_. _Oh, how the tables had turned._

Amy flew off the sofa and threw her arms around Sheldon. "Oh, Sheldon. I don't even know what to say. I was so, so selfish. I – "

"No." He interrupted her. "We're not going to do this. We both made mistakes and we were both hurting. All is forgiven. I just need to be sure. I will prove to you that I can be what you need. You will help me, and we will get there. I promise."

"And I promise you Sheldon, I'm not going anywhere. Never again. You'll see."

He nodded, pulling her into him, giving her a gentle, lingering kiss that took her breath away before wrapping her in his arms again, her head on his chest. Yes, she knew. They would get there.

* * *

 **A/N** : I think this may be the end of this story. When I set out to write it I had no idea how long it would be...all I had to start in my mind was Sheldon's exclamation from the party, and a sincere desire to see our Shamy come back to one another. The rest just grew from there. I have a couple other ideas in my head about ways they might get back together (most have been or are about to be blown away by cannon, but still fun to think about), so I may shift to those ideas. Thanks so much for reading, you guys have really made my first story a lot of fun to write!


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